MR RUBBER VANCOUVER pics 3

Saturday was competition night at Pumpjack were we began with private interviews with the contestants followed by introduction of the judges to the crowd. The contestants then had to come up on stage and test their ability on the mic and answer a question from one of the judges. My question was who is your favorite porn star and why? It wasn't the answer I was looking for! LOL
The evening ended with each of the contestants doing a fantacy scene.

MR. VANCOUVER RUBBER 2010 pics 2

After the kickoff party at Numbers on Friday we headed to the meet and greet at the Pumpjack for Slime!

MR. RUBBER VANCOUVER 2010 pics

Pics from Friday's Kick off party at Numbers hosted by Vancouver men in Leather.
All photo's courtesy of Barry Piersdorff

MR. RUBBER VANCOUVER 2010 WEEKEND

This past weekend I had my first solo gig (representing the Buff Family Dynasty as our pup Element has humorously tagged us) by having the distinct honor of being one of the judges for the first Vancouver Mr. Rubber contest. Tony and Derek were attending what has become one of their favorite annual leather/Sm runs, the San Francisco Men of Discipline’s Boot Camp in San Luis Obispo, CA. and enjoying some much needed bonding time.
The weekend was hosted by Montreal native and double title holder Mr American Rubber and Mr International Rubber2009 Stephane Donalson. Stephane is also the marketing director for Priape and creates allot of their leather and rubber fetish wear. His designs are truely amazing and borders on couture. After joining forces with Titan last year, you can now see allot of his amazing creations in Titan's fetish themed features like the recently released "FOLSOM FLESH" which features one of the hottest and visually stunning scenes Tony has done to date. So much so that his opening scene with newcomer Will Parker runs a whooping 56 min and is destined to be a classic.
I was brought to Stephane's attention through Tony and we started corresponding through Recon. We met in person shortly after at IML this year working the Titan/Priape booth and I got a sense right away we were kindred spirits. When Stephane mentioned he would be coming to Vancouver to organize the Mr. Rubber contest in Vancouver I of course jumped at the opportunity to help in anyway.
I was expecting my involvement to be a little more low key but shortly after Stephane flew into Vancouver he informed me he wanted me to be one of the judges. My first reaction was "I'm not worthy" but who am I to doubt a double title holder. Stephane had e-mailed me after IML and was really impressed with my professionalism, work ethic and how I handled the IML crowd. He assured me the only thing he was looking for was a good judge of character and he had no doubts about my ability to judge a competition. It was an amazing experience and the weekend was a huge success.

IML -STATING THE NOT SO OBVIOUS/ ITALIANS DO IT BETTER

Now that I have had a full week to process and think about what I could write about regarding IML that hasn't already been said by Tony on his website regarding the overall blow by blow of the weekend from a general perspective, here is an abbreviated version: We had a FUCKING BLAST and it was non stop from beginning to end. If you want a run down of our hectic weekend which included ShibariCon, Working the Titan/Priape booth at the leather mart Saturday, Sunday and Monday, The Grabby Awards and various play parties I recommend visiting Tony's website at www.tonybuff.com or clicking the link to the right. Tony has also posted some great video shot by director Brian Mills during our days working the Titan booth at the mart.
Now for some thoughts and obsevations from my perspective, that may not be so obvious from the weekend, I'd first like to say what a joy it was to have everyone together and I mean everyone, including extended family and by everyone I mean Tony, Derek and myself, the pup Element, boy Ben from Washington DC, Derek's partner Doug and his collared boy JC and his boy David. The only ones missing were Rico from San Francisco and Timmy from Seattle, Yes the family is large.
A keen observation occured to me sometime during the weekend about Tony. Since being back in Tony's life several people have questioned why Tony has so many boys, pups and even a kitten. It's interesting that out of all the family member's people feel they can express their opinion whether good or bad to me. Perhaps it's my non-judgemental nature or maybe it's just because I'm the only one in the family who doesn't carry a weapon. Or it's because they feel I'm the least likely to cause bodily harm if they step out of line our cause insult to me or my loved ones. Little do they realize that I am never more than a few feet away from either Tony or Derek and with a quick signal my Alpha's will attack. Just sayin!
Some people see it as greedy, some as needy, some are just envious, other just amazed that one man can satisfy the demands of so many boys and a girl plus still have the energy to "perform" on film. My realization and subsequent answer is this. He is ITALIAN! Tony is pure and simple 100% unequivicaly Italian with a capital "I" in every way possible. He eats like an Italian, He drinks like an Italian, my favorite, fucks like an Italian and loves like an Italian. Italians are just made differnently, they do everything with intensity, passion and most importantly thrive on "LA FAMIGLIA" the family, It's the most important thing to them. The bigger the better and this is, I realized Tony's version of the big Italian family. So to answer all the critics who can't see past the Poly, Leather, BDsm, Kink and Queer Deviance, I say "YES WE ARE" and it's because he's "Italian." Oh and If you don't like it you can "VA FAN CULO" just sayin!

IML -IT'S LIKE DISNEYLAND FOR THE FETISH COMMUNITY

sidebar: I'll be breaking the IML weekend in Chicago into several posts. Far to much information and observations to post in one entry.

I was not scheduled to go to IML (International Mr. Leather) this year but the week before our last family weekend I received an e-mail from Tony out of the blue asking if I could arrange the time off. He said he was looking into the logistics of bringing me along for a few reasons, but mainly he felt my presence would keep him grounded during a weekend jammed with promotional events for Titan, teaching at ShibariCon, The Grabby's, and various appearances at numerous play parties.
I automatically cleared my schedule just in case although nothing had been confirmed. To be honest I had secretly been wishing I would get to go because Titan was planning on using IML as a launch pad for the new Rough Line and I really wanted to be there for it. Over Family weekend I still hadn't received any news so I was beginning to think it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't until Derek's last night in Seattle before flying back to Chicago over drinks at the watering hole that Tony finally confirmed that I was going. Even more exciting was the news that Derek was going to surprise the pup and bring him along as well. IML was officially going to be our first family vacation. In a Queer/Poly/BDsm family this is equivalent to going to Disneyland.

FAMILY WEEKEND 2.0 THE BINDING OF DEREK

As I was mentioned in my post FAMILY WEEKEND Part 1, I was looking forward to a much less hectic weekend than the last family gathering. Derek was flying in from Chicago and the pup Element was supposed to join us from Portland but had to cancel at the last minute. Although I was slightly disappointed at the loss of an opportunity for our new family to be together at the same time which isn't an easy task when every one lives in a different city, it did however provide an opportunity for me to finally get in some much overdue bonding time with Derek. The first task upon my arrival was a photo shoot with me playing photographer. Tony and Derek were preparing for their upcoming classes they would be teaching at this years ShibariCon over IML weekend in Chicago. The classes titled "One Rope, Two Knots and Three Ties" and "Partial Suspension Rigging for Play" needed some updated photo's for the full color slides and handouts they would be providing the attendees and I was honored to have the opportunity to contribute in any way. After an afternoon of taking photo's of Tony tying up Derek and seeing how excited he had become, I have never seen someone get so rock hard and drip so much pre-cum from being tied up. It really is a beautiful site to behold and after watching me salivate from both corners of my mouth, in typical Tony fashion and as a reward to his boys for a job well done, he gave me my cue to take care of my brother and with Derek still bound and raging with excitement, Tony threw a hood over his head and watched me pig out and hoover his cock to completion. A great starter to kick off the evening!
Later, we met up with Tony's girlfriend "Kitten" who I adore and has become part of our family. She is a stunningly sexy and beautiful 23 year old fashionista who also happens to be the kinkiest and most feral creature I have ever met of the feminine persuasion. She has managed to captivate Tony and it's quite endearing to watch, she also likes to bite.
Tony, Derek and myself met kitten for a nice dinner and later headed down to our favorite place to relax and be merry, the local watering hole. Derek and I continued our evening of bonding and as anticipated we dove into heavy conversation regarding spirituality, philosophy and dealing with the difficulties and adjustments of such a large Poly family that seemed to be growing exponentially by the minute.
Up until that weekend, I had always viewed Derek as the tough Alpha boy in the family, and he like myself and Tony for that matter do not suffer fools gladly. Although I was Tony's first collared boy and he was aware of our deep connection, I did however leave, and with a succession of boys after who turned out to be far from stellar and the cause of much pain and suffering for Tony, it was to be expected that it would take some time for him to trust me. I was fine with this, as a matter of fact I admired it. That evening we were bonding but there was also something more primal going on. We were testing each other, stripping away the layers and walls to see what was underneath. Something shifted with us after that evening and I saw Derek in a much different light. I saw someone who struggles with adjusting to sharing Tony and the pressure as the eldest boy to assist and help Tony care and set a good example for the younger members of the family. Ironically even though Derek and I are very different, I am actually very alpha in my own way. My alpha energy is much more feminine, not literally but metaphysically speaking. I am a natural caregiver and when I sense an imbalance in the harmony of the family my alpha kicks in and I take control of the situation and tend to every one's needs until balance has been restored. I think Derek found great relief in this and that I am there for him as well if he needs me as much as Tony needs me as his grounding force. As Derek expressed on his blog after that visit. " I may be Tony's alpha boy, but the alpha here doesn't mean that I'm his most important boy so much as I'm the one that must set the example for my younger brothers and must help Tony in caring for what has turned out to be a rather large family. Luckily, Chris has taken upon himself to help care for me as well - that is a nice thing and really appreciated. While I'm able to handle all this, it still can be a bit much for me, and it's good to know that I have someone beside Tony looking after my emotional state and helping me keep my balance as we all charge forward into what it rapidly turning into a very radical experiment in what family can be." True that Brother, True That!

ENVY AND JEALOUSY THE GREEN EYED MONSTER

"DO NOT EAT THE BREAD OF ONE WHO HAS AN EVIL EYE" (Zohar, Shemot, Verse 21)

After our family weekend in march Tony and I had our longest gap between seeing each other. His schedule during that following few weeks was insane and we were unable to synchronise our schedules for almost 4 weeks. My window tends to be 3 at the most, so I was feeling an unpleasant sense of disconnect and longing to see him by the end of it. During this gap, Tony was in San Francisco shooting and directing the second installment of the Titan/ Rough line amply called "Shock Treatment." Both Derek and the pup would be featured in the second film, so they each got to spend some time in San Francisco with Tony along with Tony's San Francisco boy Rico who I have yet to meet. As I mentioned in my previous post, Element and Derek had developed a fast bond and now with Timmy out of the picture and facing the notion that I wouldn't see Tony or any family members for that matter for nearly a month I found myself dealing with my first case of envy and jealousy. I knew these pesky emotions would surface eventually and was quite frankly strangely excited they had finally surfaced. These situations are the perfect opportunity to test oneself and see if all those years of spiritual practice and study really sunk in. Something that I discovered about myself after becoming self aware is that I have a tendency to always need the upper hand. It gives me a sense of control and I am a huge control freak. This combination of a 4 week gap along with loosing the family member I had bonded with and nurtured the most gave my ego a perfect window to bring my insecurities to the surface. I still hadn't experienced the quality bonding time with Derek that I would have liked and with the new pup Element entering the family and bonding with Tony and Derek during the gap, I found myself face to face with a plate full of spiritual opportunities. I must stress it is a blessing when a relationship provides us with these challenges. This is how we turn darkness into Light. Although it is important to honor these emotions with recognition, it's also very important to realize they are derived from our ego. Acting from this place only brings more chaos and negativity and the end result is more darkness. After recognizing these negative emotions we first must be cautious not to allow any self judgement, once this is achieved we can then use them as an opportunity to restrict the reactive impulse such emotions create. This act of restriction from a kabbalistic point of view is how we turn darkness in to Light. This is how I view all challenges in life and in my relationships and why I consider it a blessing.
This has nothing to do with being a good person, by restricting the impulse to act on our negative emotions we are in actuality recreating the creation process.
So when the opportunity to spend some time with Element on my long overdue visit with Tony after nearly a month of not seeing him came up, my ego jumped at the opportunity to cause chaos and demand I have him all to myself. The pup was in town the few days before to help Tony with a photo shoot for Leatherpost which ended up getting delayed to the day I was to arrive. I must point out that Tony would have accommodated my request because he was well aware and sensitive to the effects of such a long absence from each other. But thankfully I restricted my selfish desire and after a great evening of drinks and bonding at the watering hole I requested that the pup stay with us for the evening. The effect of restricting my selfish desire to have Tony all to myself provided a wonderful opportunity for me to catch up on strengthening my own bond with Element and initiate him into the family with an opportunity to assist Tony in toping me in a fisting scene in what has now become a family tradition. There are certain compensations to being a good boy, "When your good to Daddy, Daddy's good to you"

"ELEMENT"s OF EXPANDING THE CLAN - FAMILY WEEKEND PT.1

This past weekend I headed down to Seattle for what I was hoping would be a less chaotic family weekend than the last one in March during the Washington State Mr/Ms contest which Tony was producing. I had been very anxious that weekend because it would be the first time I would be meeting Derek in person. It was also the first time all the boys would be together at the same time and I wasn't even sure how Tony would cope with three boys Derek, myself and Tim (who was still under his consideration phase) and a jam packed schedule of events. If that wasn't enough Tony had extended an invitation to Element a young pup he had met a few weeks earlier on a trip to Portland who Tony invited up to Seattle earlier in the week to test him out and make sure he was up for the challenge of being in Tony's next feature in the fetish line.
The weekend was busy to say the least and having arrived in town last as usual, The dynamics of bonding had already started to take hold. Derek and Element had an instant connection and discovering they were kindred spirits. This left me feeling inclined to focus on Tim who I was sensing was feeling a struggle to bond with the other boys and since I had developed a big brother relationship with him, I felt myself using the time I wanted to focus on getting to know Derek and directing it to the Boy. Considering it was the first time all the boys were under the same roof it wasn't a total disaster but I wouldn't go as far to say it was a success either. But like any family or relationships you have challenges, In a Poly Family it's the same just more so. My natural inclination and ability to sense who's needs aren't being met and act on it left me focusing allot of my time on Tim so I really didn't get the bonding time I was hoping for with Derek. Luckily for me Tony and I had some great one on one time the weekend before when he came up to Vancouver for a special event I planned for him performing a demo and guest appearance at the local Leather Bar in town so I wasn't feeling terribly needy myself for his attention having had him all to myself the previous weekend.
During that weekend I had sensed that Tim was feeling a little put off and perhaps disappointed that the bond Element and Derek had developed so quickly didn't turn out quite the same for him, but this is why there is a consideration collar and a time frame to process and figure all this out before making a full commitment. As for Derek and myself, well we didn't quite get the time in that we wanted, but we did at least get a sense that the possibility was there for a great connection and being the two older more experienced boys, we had developed the virtue of patience and knew that our time would come eventually.
Tim would ultimately decide the lifestyle was not what he was looking for and although Tony and I found it hard to see him go, a beautiful shining star of a soul was making an impression on Derek and Tony and eventually me.
When Tony initially invited Element to Seattle it was for casting reasons but he soon realized and saw something special. Although only 22 he had a rare combination of playful youthfulness mixed with a depth and sense of self not yet developed in boys of that age. He was a playful and curious pup in every sense of the word. Tony soon realized after having him in Seattle for a few days that he was yearning for a sense of family and saw the opportunity to share that with him by inviting him to extend his stay and be with all of us during our family weekend. It would be a weekend that would change his life and give him a sense of security and unconditional love he so longed for. As I stood at the train station with Tony and Derek wiping the tears from his eyes as we sent him off, I knew he had experienced something profound and felt a sense of brotherhood and family he would later express the only time he came close to experiencing was when he was in the military briefly. We lost a boy but gained a pup and he has contributed a sense of humor and whit that brings smiles and much laughter to all of us not to mention a curiosity and willingness for all things kink much to the delight of Tony, Derek and myself.

INJECTING LIGHT IN FILTH - Releasing Rough

"Angels come in strange packages, sometimes they look like the devil but ultimately they end up pushing you in the direction you need to grow" Madonna

During that second weekend in Seattle over drinks at the watering hole, Tony and I had an opportunity to discuss his decision behind getting into porn or "Art Films" as he likes to call them. It was during this talk that he enlightened me on another example of " nothing is ever what it seems". I must admit I didn't see much "Light" in the porn industry, but I also had no judgement for any path one chooses to take, one of the benefits of 4 years of spiritual study. I knew how passionate he had become with his teaching and work in the community and about spreading the message of R.A.C.K (risk aware consensual kink) and it was a deep concern for him that the industry was spreading the wrong message with the rise of barebacking in adult films specifically in the kink genre.
He enlightened me that through his growing popularity as a fetish performer it gave him a larger forum to spread his message and along with my brother Derek who was also in the industry they were fighting a battle and they were beginning to make progress.
It was then that I realized the positive effect of his vision and with this new opportunity to helm his own line for Titan, this would take his message to a new level. During that weekend we had an intense play session and after words as we were lying in bed he said I had to do the first film with him.The only way he could capture what he had planned for the first film was if he did it with me. Tony's vision for this line was very clear, he wanted to create a genre of films with real players, not actors. He wanted to capture the intensity and real connection that is lacking in much of the genre, and he wanted to incorporate the R.A.C.K. (risk aware consensual kink) philosophy into the films with a strong emphasis on safe sex without being to preachy.
He left me with the proposal to ponder till our next visit. I wish i could say I jumped at the opportunity but this was a big decision and I needed to ponder the spiritual consequences of such a move. I had long let go of what people would think or any judgments people would have from a shallow point of view. My only concerns were spiritual in nature. After some pondering I decided that the consciousness behind Tony's vision was directed at creating a positive and healthy change in what some perceive as a dark industry. Kabbalah teaches that it is out of darkness that we have the opportunity to reveal Light. I realized the opportunity and when I made the decision to be back in his life, I was in 100%. I decided that I had to do it, plus I'm always looking for an opportunity to get out of my comfort zone and this certainly would do it. Tony reassured me that Titan who he has been performing for exclusively were Top notch and one of the few studio's who's films are 100% safe sex and they are very active in raising awareness within the community as well as giving back.
So off I went to San Fran for my first shoot and it went amazingly. Titan is an amazing studio and good people and if I must say so myself what we captured was an incredible never before seen on film fetish scene, and the connection and intensity that Tony and I share really comes off in the film. It is another example of the paradox of life. It's a fine example that you can't make judgements about people and the choices people make because ultimately you never know where someone is going to end up. It's a fine example that out of darkness comes Light.
If extreme fetish is your thing and you want to puchase a copy I will post details as soon as I receive them. A WARNING: This film is not for the faint of heart!

POLYAMORY- Redifining family

After my month off, I was feeling very refreshed and anxious to see Tony again. We organized a weekend together after I got back and I headed down to Seattle. In what would become an annual tradition, we headed to the local watering hole for cocktails and to celebrate Tony finalizing his deal with Titan to co-direct his own line of fetish/Bdsm films. During this time Tony had been courting a boy named Tim to be a possible candidate for his local Seattle boy and he was anxious for me to meet him. I had yet to meet my "brother" Derek from Chicago, that would come on my next trip but Tony was certain we would hit it off just fine. We had been corresponding via e-mail and skype and I was becoming very fond of his level of intelligence and his own understanding of spirituality. One of the elders from Tony's leather family the "Dragon Clan" Daddy Gene famously pointed out that Tony had a penchant for picking complex and complicated boys which after corresponding with Derek and given the nature and depth of some of our talks, we both took that as a compliment. So it was to my delight when I met Tim he was a young and uncomplicated eager to please 23 year old. Two complex boys was enough. He came to the watering hole to meet us that evening and I instantly adored him. Tony had grown quite fond of him as well and the possibilities of teaching him the anatomy and proper execution of many leather/Bdsm scenes to pass on to a younger generation. He was very fond of shabari bondage which is one of Tony's passions. So after a great night of spirits and teasing Tony offered him a collar of consideration which is a month long trial period for him to be Tony boy after which it would be decided if this was a path he wanted to take. If it worked out he would be invited into the family on a permanent basis.
It was on this evening when we got back to the apartment that I asked for my collar back. To my surprise Tony pointed up on the wall to my old collar and said "boy it's yours for the asking" and there it was, the same collar he took off my neck 4 years ago was locked around my neck once again. It was official, I was back in the family.
Over the coming month I had developed a very fond "big brother" relationship with Tim and it seemed to be working out well for everyone. He reminded me so much of me in some ways so many years ago when Tony introduced me to the scene. Unfortunately, much to the dismay and disappointment of Tony the outcome would be the same as well. Although Tim learned allot he, like myself way back when saw the world as very black and white and could not grasp fusing the Poly/Bdsm scene with other aspects in his life. I wish I could have given him a magic mirror to show him that it was possible and I was proof of that, but as sad as Tony was of his decision he knew, like he did with me so many years ago that he must let him go, choose his own path and figure it out on his own as he did with me. It was a period that allowed me to see the pain Tony felt when he had to let me go off on my own journey and I witnessed his ability to still see the big picture through his pain while still wishing him well with no resentment. It was another example of his guru like ability of unconditional love and it made me love him even more if that is possible.
I must admit I knew very little about Polyamory, allot of gay men have open relationships some of them honest some of them not, and usually it's a don't ask don't tell policy but it always seems to end in someone getting hurt due to dishonesty. As I mentioned before I am a naturally monogamous person, but that has evolved into more of an emotional state rather than physical. I have come to the conclusion that the consciousness for most people in a monogamous relationship usually comes from a unevolved place and pressure from mainstream society and most end up cheating. So when Tony enlightened me on the true nature of a loving Polyamorous relationship, I did some research and started to see the "Light" and potential to reveal "Light" in this type of family dynamic.
Polyamory is a personal outlook grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, equality of free will, What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger.
I began to see the beauty and highly evolved spiritual nature of such a situation and it has allowed me to face such unevolved issue's like jealousy and much to my surprise, the nature of my new family situation has been one of the most loving and honest relationships I have ever been in. My "brother" Derek has a partner in Chicago and they just celebrated thier 13th anniversary, I however have chosen to not play outside the family and only with Tony. That is what works for me.
sidenote: the flag in this post is the flag of Polyamory; the blue represents the openness and honesty among all partners; the yellow represents love and passion; the red represents solidarity with those who must hide their relationships due to social pressures. The symbol in the center of the flag is a gold Greek lowercase letter “pi” (π), as the first letter of "polyamory" . The letter's gold color represents the value that people who are polyamorous place on the emotional attachment to others, be the relationship friendly or romantic in nature, as opposed to merely primarily physical relationships.

"SHIN ALEPH HEY" the reuniting of soulmates

So on December 24th in a raging snow storm, I set off on my first trip to Seattle in 4 years. My arrival time was delayed due to the storm but eventually the shuttle arrived and I called a cab to take me to Tony's apartment. As the cab pulled up, to my delight Tony was waiting for me outside in the cold. As I exited the cab, all I could think about was having those big arms wrapped around my body. No awkward moments of silence, just a feeling of peace, it was if 4 years was just a day and there in that moment, I fully grasped the meaning of true unconditional love. What had taken me years to grasp, Tony had embodied all along. It's as if he new that this day would eventually come sooner or later. As the saying goes, home is were the heart is, and I was home at last.
That evening we went for drinks and lots of catching up at a neighborhood bar fondly nicknamed " the watering hole."
It was a surreal few days but one thing was clear, our deep connection was still very strong and although Tony's life had changed drastically, he made it clear that he wanted me back in his life. I would have lots of time to process this proposal, Of course there was no doubt that I wanted to be back in his life, but there were many things to consider.
I however had planned long before our reconnection to take a month off and travel, visit family. This gave me ample time to consider Tony's invitation to enter his world. What a ride this was going to be and in typical Tony fashion, there would never be a dull moment.
I decided before I even left for my month long trip I wanted to be back in his life. A life that now consisted of a collared boy in Chicago named Derek who introduced Tony to his now infamous career as a performer in "art film." The fact that he fully embraced a Polyamoros lifestyle and a crazy travel schedule of filming, teaching, and educating the Poly/Leather/BDsm community as well as his commitments and work at home in Seattle. To top it off, during our reconnection Tony was on the verge of a deal to be the first performer for Titan to be given his own line of films to co/direct which I am happy to report has happened and I would surprisingly be involved in. I would like to point out that before my reconnection with Tony I asked the universe, "Universe give me some excitement" well ask and you shall receive. I know Bette Davis said it in "All about Eve" but it's a line fit to come out of Tony's mouth. "FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS, IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE!"

BACK TO THE FUTURE

I have no real answer as to why I suddenly found myself being drawn back to the Leather, BDSM scene except for one, I was beginning my journey home. I had never been one to subscribe or feel a deep desire to Cleve to a group or scene, although I have always found it quite easy to feel the positive energy and sense of family that these groups and scenes create. Perhaps it was the 4 years and deep connection I developed with my spiritual family at the kabbalah centre that made me realize that being a part of a group or community as long as it's with the right consciousness isn't a bad thing. in actuality it was more about my fear of commitment. I have no issue's now committing myself 100% to something as long as it's having a positive affect on those involved.
So it soon became clear that besides the fact I was fully embracing my kinks, I was making my way back to Tony.
I had been thinking about him allot, I underestimated the deep connection we shared and it was overshadowed by my inability at the time to see the scene that tony embraced and introduced me to 7 years ago any deeper than face value.
But I was seeing things from a completely different and more evolved place, and one of the many lessons I have learned over the past few years is "nothing is ever as it seems" and my ability to now see the "grey" area had suddenly made me appreciate and eventually long for a level of intimacy and deep connection I had experienced with Tony.
During that last year I had backed out of hooking up with a few so called player's due to my gut instinct and a keen 6th sense which has never failed me. I did however meet an amazing couple (a daddy and his boy) one evening that I instantly connected with and eventually they would have the honor of breaking me in. Boy were they in for a surprise! The nasty pig boy had risen from the ashes after 4 long years I had allot of new tricks I had been dying to try out. It was a very long evening of play and something tells me they never met an ass quite like mine.
It was in the morning over coffee, when they brought up the subject of Tony, our matching tattoo's, his website, his films etc. That I began to realize that I was suddenly and unexpectedly taking a walk down memory lane and after that night, I really began to miss him greatly. I was now thinking about him on a daily basis and wanted to reach out to him so bad, but I had it in my mind I was a distant memory. It was when I decided that I had to write him with no expectations of a response. Just to tell him what I should have told him long ago. So I did and when I came home the next day from work, there it was, a response. My reaction caught me off guard, my heart was beating a mile a minute, haven't had that reaction well since The night I met Tony. After 2 cigarettes, I finally got the courage to open the e-mail. I began reading " Oh my dear boy, my love, my soul mate!.... " I will not publish the rest, some things are sacred and for fear of exposing Tony as a renaissance poet, but it was a beautiful e-mail and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit emotional reading his words. It would be the beginning of a beautiful reconnection. shortly after we were making plans to spend Christmas together and see each other face to face for the first time in 4 years.

"JE VAIS TE DIRE UN SECRET"

About a year ago and after 3 years of exploring the non-physical, In which I had allot of time to reflect on many aspects of human nature including my own I was developing a deep desire for intimacy on a more sexual level. Little did I know how difficult this would be with my new consciousness. In the past before Tony I had been in a few long term relationships in the traditional sense, but realized that what attracted me to those particular relationships at the root was a desire to be taken care of and fill a void. Although I was in love with all my past lovers, it wasn't real love as I know it today. Real Love or True Love in the purest sense is unconditional. A few years ago my teacher asked me to make a list of what it is about my past partners, that made me love them. My answers went something like this: He makes me happy, He really understands me, he makes me feel good about myself, he makes me feel needed. She then looked at me with the utmost kindness and unconditional love and said; Chris look how many times "me" shows up in your answers. My answers focused on how my partner was fulfilling my needs, This is not Love she said, this is need! My concept of love revolved around how the other person was fulfilling my needs. I was experiencing a lack and my partners were there to fill that void. This type of love is not true love and is definitely not unconditional. What I thought was love was actually selfish need.
This concept is not easy to grasp and can take a lifetime to really experience true love in the purest sense but it has given me a sense of freedom and forced me to take responsibility for myself and not expect it from someone else.
So going back a year, as I am gearing up to get back to developing intimacy on a sexual level, I suddenly found this process a bit more challenging. Within the year I did date a few people and came to terms with the fact that they were drawn to me because they were spiritually deprived and as they say in spirituality, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" I was happy to introduce them to a way to reduce some of the chaos they were experiencing, at the same time I was not really feeling a connection to getting back into a traditional relationship pattern.

"THE EGO HAS LANDED"

If someone tells me they have no ego, I know that they have been fooled, that is the ego talking. I also very rare for anyone to ever remove ego consciousness. The fact is the ego has many benefits once you understand it's nature. The idea is that we become the master and the ego the slave. I have to bite my tongue when people tell me they have been in therapy for years, I tried it and although it has it's benefits it is not the solution and allot of times just keeps the person dwelling and over analyzing their past. The idea is to be in the present. The ego consciousness keeps us enslaved in the past and future, that is how it survives, using the past as a source to feed our minds with negative mental dialogue that makes us fall into victim consciousness and depression and worry about the future to feed our minds with worrying about things that haven't happened yet creating anxiety.
With all this time spent in the past and future we have very little time to be in the moment, which is the goal of the ego. Because the only way we can connect to the "Light" is being completely present and in the moment. It's also the way to have a life without side effects to go with the sex without side effects.
A brief explanation of what I mean by "Light."
Kabbalah and Science both explain that the world is divided in 10 dimensions. The first nine dimensions called the 99% we cannot perceive and it is the bottom dimension, the 1% which is the world that we perceive, this is the world of the 5 senses. The Light is the source of all our happiness and emanates from this 99% reality. The 1% reality is the only dimension the Ego can function. The ego's job is to keep us disconnected from this 99% reality by constantly dwelling in the past and future, because the only way to connect to the 99% is in the present.

THE ARCHENEMY

During this four-year period, I made the decision to be celibate for 2 years. I feel it is necessary to elaborate on this decision. This was a personal choice and is by no means necessary for everyone. It is also not a requirement to study Kabbalah. As a matter of fact, sex is looked on in a very positive light and is considered a very powerful spiritual tool. I had felt this spiritual like feeling several times through intense play sessions with Tony. I was unable however to stop the endless mental babble and feelings of guilt and shame that came after sex, This mental babble was not exclusive to just my sex life, and it would be the source for a life's worth of unnecessary anxiety, pain and suffering.
No the decision to refrain from sex was born out of a realization that I was being controlled by my ego and it is the ego that was preventing me from being truly free. It was a temporary choice that enabled me to reboot and reprogram. I needed to shut down for a while. Extreme I know, but it served its purpose, I eventually would return to exploring my sexuality and over time experience what I like to call “ SEX WITHOUT SIDE EFFECTS. “
All our programming from birth, conscious and subconscious creates a mental filter that determines how we view and perceive things and situations. This filter is used by the EGO to keep us in a mental prison. Once you realize the EGO is not you, you begin to perceive all that negative social programming (guilt, shame, victim mentality, fitting in) as separate from our true essence, which is true freedom, and the EGO gone unchecked wins, keeping us enslaved in a mental prison. The worse part is most people don’t and never will realize this. The human “EGO” is the root of every unjust calamity personally and globally.
In what would become a familiar line from the movie “The Usual Suspects” “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing us he did not exist.”
The fact is the devil or Satan, contrary to what religion has unjustly led the masses to believe is not a red demon with horns and a tail. The word Satan pronounced SAH-TAAN in Hebrew as it first appears in the Old Testament. Properly translated means Adversary. Properly speaking. It is not a name; it's more of a job description. Satan is an adversarial force of consciousness that exists inside our heads not some demon living in hell. It is a force of consciousness dwelling within our own minds. That so called force expresses itself through the human EGO.

40 I MEAN 4 YEARS IN THE DESERT

After 3 years Tony and I had developed a profound connection but he was feeling my ever growing desire to explore Kabbalah on a more serious level. I had recently began talking with a kabbalah teacher and she decided I was ready to take my studies to the next level. This was creating a dilemma with Tony and he was feeling me pull away. I was still very much seeing the world as black and white. But I had a glimpse behind the iron curtain, It's like if someone handed you a manual on life and it contained all the answers and secrets to life's big mysteries, you would be obsessed with getting your hands on a copy right? Well it's also like giving a child a bag full of candy, you haven't developed the ability to restrict or to stop eating the candy, A child will keep eating the candy till he throws up. I was in the infancy stages of my journey and looking back very selfish. It would ultimately be my deepening desire to explore my spiritual nature that would weaken and ultimately sever my bond with Tony and the leather/bdsm community. At the time I still perceived it as dark and I had discovered the " Light".
So on a winter weekend in January 2005 Tony made his last visit to Vancouver. He would later express the overwhelming feeling of loss he felt on that long journey back to Seattle. He set me free to explore what It was I was searching for. The next 4 years I would explore the non physical with as much intensity and fervor as I did the 3 years I spent with Tony exploring the physical senses. It would be that intense exploration of a sexual nature and my desire to focus strictly on spiritual matter's that I would make the decision to be celibate for almost 2 years. I focused all that energy on study and would become a full time student of kabbalah. It would be the most life defining period of my life and would ultimately shape me into the person I am today. I would learn that this process would and should not be permanent, We are not meant to sit on a mountain top forever, It's easy to be spiritual up there. ultimately it is when we come down into the real world with all it's ups and downs and chaos we can really put what we learned to the test. I would eventually see that "grey" area. Allot of so called spiritual people talk the talk but very few walk the walk. I would eventually walk it and find myself being drawn back into the scene I had abandoned 4 years earlier, but this time with a new set of eyes and an expanded mind . It is through this point of view that I will focus the remainder of this blog.

KABBALAH

Kabbalah — the world’s oldest body of spiritual wisdom — contains the long-hidden keys to the secrets of the universe as well as the keys to the mysteries of the human heart and soul. Kabbalistic teachings explain the complexities of the material and the nonmaterial universe, as well as the physical and metaphysical nature of all humanity. Kabbalah shows in detail, how to navigate that vast terrain in order to remove every form of chaos, pain, and suffering.

For thousands of years, the great kabbalistic sages have taught that every human being is born with the potential for greatness. Kabbalah is the means for activating that potential.

Kabbalah has always been meant to be used, not just learned. Its purpose is to bring clarity, understanding, and freedom to our lives — and ultimately to erase even death itself.

FILTH AND WISDOM

After that evening in the after hours, believe it or not we did not re-connect right away, Although I had enjoying my carefree hedonistic lifestyle, I was really feeling the pull of a deeper connection. I have always felt somewhat of an anomaly when it comes to relationships. Another paradox, when I was single I had no issues exploring my sexuality with one or multiple partners but in a relationship I am naturally monogamous. This tendency does not come from a traditional moralistic point of view but really when I am with someone I connect with beyond the physical I just don't have a desire to be with anyone else. I would come to understand the root of this later on and also see this and many other things in not such a black and white way. I will soon discover the beauty of the "grey area."
I was spending more and more time alone and using it to quench my new found thirst for learning and taking in information. I had discovered I suddenly loved to read and read I did. Through reading I suddenly found the more traditional of the 2 paths that would help me make more sense of the world and would be one of the things that ignited my desire to get in touch with my spiritual side . It was during this period I got a phone call from Tony and his partner.
Tony was in a what would be his last somewhat traditional relationship during this time and it was very open. I got an invitation to come down and visit them. I was apprehensive but curious. The weekend went well and led to a more permanent situation in what would be my first foray into dating a couple. This situation was short lived for reasons i don't feel the need to elaborate on, and there was a brief period I pulled away to allow the situation to work itself out. Tony had moved in with one of his mentors Daddy Dave Lewis and I had been itching and craving to resume exploration of my nasty pig side that Tony had successfully unlocked and unleashed from me.
During this time with Daddy Dave Tony was really getting more and more involved with his leather family "The Dragon Clan." They were a pillar of support for Tony during this time and as Tony would reveal to me later, so was I. It was during this time we developed a very strong bond and I officially became his first collared boy.
I revelled in being his boy, bondage, watersports, fire play and a first attempt at fisting. I discovered the transcending feeling of extreme sex, i had entered the dark side. It was intense and had a most surprising effect. The extreme nature and intensity of the play Tony and I explored had on many occasions had a transcending and spiritual effect that would bring me to states of nirvana and extreme emotions. I needed to explore this more. I had been reading allot about this same effect through disciplined spiritual practice, I had been exploring allot of the eastern religions and philosophers, like Buddhism, Hinduism, Yoga, Plato and Aristotle. But it would be one that pieced it all together, made the most sense and answered all those mysteries to life. Kabbalah, and it would take me on a journey both bitter and sweet that would ultimately lead to my uncollaring and subsequent 4 year absence from Tony and the Leather/bdsm scene. One of the things we did before I left was get matching tattoo's, Tony's on the left for the Dom and mine on the right representing sub. The tattoo's were kabbalistic in nature, One of the 72 names of God. They represent the spiritual DNA that bind together soulmates. As we would find out years later, That is exactly what they did.

AND THEN THERE WAS MAN part2 "MINE"

The night I met Tony, I was well into a period of metamorphosis. Feeling as though the world was coming to an end , I had been going through a hedonistic phase exploring aspects of my sexuality with wild abandonment. At the same time I was also exploring what would later become an obsession. I had long given up on god and religion. Like allot of gay men who grew up in a religious background, the confusion of trying to come to terms with a god who loves everyone "except the fags" would leave some angry, others hopeless and a few suicidal. Luckily for me I was clever enough to see through the hypocracy and dogma and still feel that beyond all the bullshit, there was a glimmer of truth, but that would be a subject of little importance for most of my 20's.
During this hedonistic period, I had been exploring the gay religion of drugs and house music in sweaty afterhours and clubs all over the world. There were many transending moments but the ever increasing darkness of the days after soon became an issue and like everything at this point, I started to question the nature of this scene and everyone involved.
It would be on the night of what would be my last visit to a local afterhours that there across the room I saw a man among the dozens of sweaty shirtless men that night. Once I saw him, everything and everyone suddenly became invisable to me. I could not take my eyes of of this creature. Using something of a superpower I somehow possesed, I began the process of sending my sexual energy across the room. Like a wild animal when it reached him, he turned to see his prey. In that moment when our eyes met a surge of electricity ran through my body like nothing I have ever experienced and never would again. I got his attention and the animal in me was in full gear. I didn't care what I had to do to get this man's attention but whatever force took over me that night, left me charging through a sea of scavengers like a rabid wild animal leaving a pile of would be suiters in my wake. I introduced myself, he was intruiged by my forwardness, and his intuitive nature told him I was looking for something that I haven't found yet and he knew he possessed it. He hated crowds and it was apparent this was not his scene. Much to the dismay of many and what could only be described as the worse case of evil eye I have ever experienced, Tony took my hand and escorted me out of the club. In what would later become a common catchphrase with Tony, it was uttered for the first time to some random stranger as we were leaving the club. With his animal like glare, he simply uttered "MINE"