"JE VAIS TE DIRE UN SECRET"

About a year ago and after 3 years of exploring the non-physical, In which I had allot of time to reflect on many aspects of human nature including my own I was developing a deep desire for intimacy on a more sexual level. Little did I know how difficult this would be with my new consciousness. In the past before Tony I had been in a few long term relationships in the traditional sense, but realized that what attracted me to those particular relationships at the root was a desire to be taken care of and fill a void. Although I was in love with all my past lovers, it wasn't real love as I know it today. Real Love or True Love in the purest sense is unconditional. A few years ago my teacher asked me to make a list of what it is about my past partners, that made me love them. My answers went something like this: He makes me happy, He really understands me, he makes me feel good about myself, he makes me feel needed. She then looked at me with the utmost kindness and unconditional love and said; Chris look how many times "me" shows up in your answers. My answers focused on how my partner was fulfilling my needs, This is not Love she said, this is need! My concept of love revolved around how the other person was fulfilling my needs. I was experiencing a lack and my partners were there to fill that void. This type of love is not true love and is definitely not unconditional. What I thought was love was actually selfish need.
This concept is not easy to grasp and can take a lifetime to really experience true love in the purest sense but it has given me a sense of freedom and forced me to take responsibility for myself and not expect it from someone else.
So going back a year, as I am gearing up to get back to developing intimacy on a sexual level, I suddenly found this process a bit more challenging. Within the year I did date a few people and came to terms with the fact that they were drawn to me because they were spiritually deprived and as they say in spirituality, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" I was happy to introduce them to a way to reduce some of the chaos they were experiencing, at the same time I was not really feeling a connection to getting back into a traditional relationship pattern.

"THE EGO HAS LANDED"

If someone tells me they have no ego, I know that they have been fooled, that is the ego talking. I also very rare for anyone to ever remove ego consciousness. The fact is the ego has many benefits once you understand it's nature. The idea is that we become the master and the ego the slave. I have to bite my tongue when people tell me they have been in therapy for years, I tried it and although it has it's benefits it is not the solution and allot of times just keeps the person dwelling and over analyzing their past. The idea is to be in the present. The ego consciousness keeps us enslaved in the past and future, that is how it survives, using the past as a source to feed our minds with negative mental dialogue that makes us fall into victim consciousness and depression and worry about the future to feed our minds with worrying about things that haven't happened yet creating anxiety.
With all this time spent in the past and future we have very little time to be in the moment, which is the goal of the ego. Because the only way we can connect to the "Light" is being completely present and in the moment. It's also the way to have a life without side effects to go with the sex without side effects.
A brief explanation of what I mean by "Light."
Kabbalah and Science both explain that the world is divided in 10 dimensions. The first nine dimensions called the 99% we cannot perceive and it is the bottom dimension, the 1% which is the world that we perceive, this is the world of the 5 senses. The Light is the source of all our happiness and emanates from this 99% reality. The 1% reality is the only dimension the Ego can function. The ego's job is to keep us disconnected from this 99% reality by constantly dwelling in the past and future, because the only way to connect to the 99% is in the present.

THE ARCHENEMY

During this four-year period, I made the decision to be celibate for 2 years. I feel it is necessary to elaborate on this decision. This was a personal choice and is by no means necessary for everyone. It is also not a requirement to study Kabbalah. As a matter of fact, sex is looked on in a very positive light and is considered a very powerful spiritual tool. I had felt this spiritual like feeling several times through intense play sessions with Tony. I was unable however to stop the endless mental babble and feelings of guilt and shame that came after sex, This mental babble was not exclusive to just my sex life, and it would be the source for a life's worth of unnecessary anxiety, pain and suffering.
No the decision to refrain from sex was born out of a realization that I was being controlled by my ego and it is the ego that was preventing me from being truly free. It was a temporary choice that enabled me to reboot and reprogram. I needed to shut down for a while. Extreme I know, but it served its purpose, I eventually would return to exploring my sexuality and over time experience what I like to call “ SEX WITHOUT SIDE EFFECTS. “
All our programming from birth, conscious and subconscious creates a mental filter that determines how we view and perceive things and situations. This filter is used by the EGO to keep us in a mental prison. Once you realize the EGO is not you, you begin to perceive all that negative social programming (guilt, shame, victim mentality, fitting in) as separate from our true essence, which is true freedom, and the EGO gone unchecked wins, keeping us enslaved in a mental prison. The worse part is most people don’t and never will realize this. The human “EGO” is the root of every unjust calamity personally and globally.
In what would become a familiar line from the movie “The Usual Suspects” “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing us he did not exist.”
The fact is the devil or Satan, contrary to what religion has unjustly led the masses to believe is not a red demon with horns and a tail. The word Satan pronounced SAH-TAAN in Hebrew as it first appears in the Old Testament. Properly translated means Adversary. Properly speaking. It is not a name; it's more of a job description. Satan is an adversarial force of consciousness that exists inside our heads not some demon living in hell. It is a force of consciousness dwelling within our own minds. That so called force expresses itself through the human EGO.

40 I MEAN 4 YEARS IN THE DESERT

After 3 years Tony and I had developed a profound connection but he was feeling my ever growing desire to explore Kabbalah on a more serious level. I had recently began talking with a kabbalah teacher and she decided I was ready to take my studies to the next level. This was creating a dilemma with Tony and he was feeling me pull away. I was still very much seeing the world as black and white. But I had a glimpse behind the iron curtain, It's like if someone handed you a manual on life and it contained all the answers and secrets to life's big mysteries, you would be obsessed with getting your hands on a copy right? Well it's also like giving a child a bag full of candy, you haven't developed the ability to restrict or to stop eating the candy, A child will keep eating the candy till he throws up. I was in the infancy stages of my journey and looking back very selfish. It would ultimately be my deepening desire to explore my spiritual nature that would weaken and ultimately sever my bond with Tony and the leather/bdsm community. At the time I still perceived it as dark and I had discovered the " Light".
So on a winter weekend in January 2005 Tony made his last visit to Vancouver. He would later express the overwhelming feeling of loss he felt on that long journey back to Seattle. He set me free to explore what It was I was searching for. The next 4 years I would explore the non physical with as much intensity and fervor as I did the 3 years I spent with Tony exploring the physical senses. It would be that intense exploration of a sexual nature and my desire to focus strictly on spiritual matter's that I would make the decision to be celibate for almost 2 years. I focused all that energy on study and would become a full time student of kabbalah. It would be the most life defining period of my life and would ultimately shape me into the person I am today. I would learn that this process would and should not be permanent, We are not meant to sit on a mountain top forever, It's easy to be spiritual up there. ultimately it is when we come down into the real world with all it's ups and downs and chaos we can really put what we learned to the test. I would eventually see that "grey" area. Allot of so called spiritual people talk the talk but very few walk the walk. I would eventually walk it and find myself being drawn back into the scene I had abandoned 4 years earlier, but this time with a new set of eyes and an expanded mind . It is through this point of view that I will focus the remainder of this blog.

KABBALAH

Kabbalah — the world’s oldest body of spiritual wisdom — contains the long-hidden keys to the secrets of the universe as well as the keys to the mysteries of the human heart and soul. Kabbalistic teachings explain the complexities of the material and the nonmaterial universe, as well as the physical and metaphysical nature of all humanity. Kabbalah shows in detail, how to navigate that vast terrain in order to remove every form of chaos, pain, and suffering.

For thousands of years, the great kabbalistic sages have taught that every human being is born with the potential for greatness. Kabbalah is the means for activating that potential.

Kabbalah has always been meant to be used, not just learned. Its purpose is to bring clarity, understanding, and freedom to our lives — and ultimately to erase even death itself.

FILTH AND WISDOM

After that evening in the after hours, believe it or not we did not re-connect right away, Although I had enjoying my carefree hedonistic lifestyle, I was really feeling the pull of a deeper connection. I have always felt somewhat of an anomaly when it comes to relationships. Another paradox, when I was single I had no issues exploring my sexuality with one or multiple partners but in a relationship I am naturally monogamous. This tendency does not come from a traditional moralistic point of view but really when I am with someone I connect with beyond the physical I just don't have a desire to be with anyone else. I would come to understand the root of this later on and also see this and many other things in not such a black and white way. I will soon discover the beauty of the "grey area."
I was spending more and more time alone and using it to quench my new found thirst for learning and taking in information. I had discovered I suddenly loved to read and read I did. Through reading I suddenly found the more traditional of the 2 paths that would help me make more sense of the world and would be one of the things that ignited my desire to get in touch with my spiritual side . It was during this period I got a phone call from Tony and his partner.
Tony was in a what would be his last somewhat traditional relationship during this time and it was very open. I got an invitation to come down and visit them. I was apprehensive but curious. The weekend went well and led to a more permanent situation in what would be my first foray into dating a couple. This situation was short lived for reasons i don't feel the need to elaborate on, and there was a brief period I pulled away to allow the situation to work itself out. Tony had moved in with one of his mentors Daddy Dave Lewis and I had been itching and craving to resume exploration of my nasty pig side that Tony had successfully unlocked and unleashed from me.
During this time with Daddy Dave Tony was really getting more and more involved with his leather family "The Dragon Clan." They were a pillar of support for Tony during this time and as Tony would reveal to me later, so was I. It was during this time we developed a very strong bond and I officially became his first collared boy.
I revelled in being his boy, bondage, watersports, fire play and a first attempt at fisting. I discovered the transcending feeling of extreme sex, i had entered the dark side. It was intense and had a most surprising effect. The extreme nature and intensity of the play Tony and I explored had on many occasions had a transcending and spiritual effect that would bring me to states of nirvana and extreme emotions. I needed to explore this more. I had been reading allot about this same effect through disciplined spiritual practice, I had been exploring allot of the eastern religions and philosophers, like Buddhism, Hinduism, Yoga, Plato and Aristotle. But it would be one that pieced it all together, made the most sense and answered all those mysteries to life. Kabbalah, and it would take me on a journey both bitter and sweet that would ultimately lead to my uncollaring and subsequent 4 year absence from Tony and the Leather/bdsm scene. One of the things we did before I left was get matching tattoo's, Tony's on the left for the Dom and mine on the right representing sub. The tattoo's were kabbalistic in nature, One of the 72 names of God. They represent the spiritual DNA that bind together soulmates. As we would find out years later, That is exactly what they did.

AND THEN THERE WAS MAN part2 "MINE"

The night I met Tony, I was well into a period of metamorphosis. Feeling as though the world was coming to an end , I had been going through a hedonistic phase exploring aspects of my sexuality with wild abandonment. At the same time I was also exploring what would later become an obsession. I had long given up on god and religion. Like allot of gay men who grew up in a religious background, the confusion of trying to come to terms with a god who loves everyone "except the fags" would leave some angry, others hopeless and a few suicidal. Luckily for me I was clever enough to see through the hypocracy and dogma and still feel that beyond all the bullshit, there was a glimmer of truth, but that would be a subject of little importance for most of my 20's.
During this hedonistic period, I had been exploring the gay religion of drugs and house music in sweaty afterhours and clubs all over the world. There were many transending moments but the ever increasing darkness of the days after soon became an issue and like everything at this point, I started to question the nature of this scene and everyone involved.
It would be on the night of what would be my last visit to a local afterhours that there across the room I saw a man among the dozens of sweaty shirtless men that night. Once I saw him, everything and everyone suddenly became invisable to me. I could not take my eyes of of this creature. Using something of a superpower I somehow possesed, I began the process of sending my sexual energy across the room. Like a wild animal when it reached him, he turned to see his prey. In that moment when our eyes met a surge of electricity ran through my body like nothing I have ever experienced and never would again. I got his attention and the animal in me was in full gear. I didn't care what I had to do to get this man's attention but whatever force took over me that night, left me charging through a sea of scavengers like a rabid wild animal leaving a pile of would be suiters in my wake. I introduced myself, he was intruiged by my forwardness, and his intuitive nature told him I was looking for something that I haven't found yet and he knew he possessed it. He hated crowds and it was apparent this was not his scene. Much to the dismay of many and what could only be described as the worse case of evil eye I have ever experienced, Tony took my hand and escorted me out of the club. In what would later become a common catchphrase with Tony, it was uttered for the first time to some random stranger as we were leaving the club. With his animal like glare, he simply uttered "MINE"

AND THEN THERE WAS MAN

7 years ago my first Sir Tony Buff introduced me to the leather/bdsm scene. I met Tony during the year he was serving out his title as Washington State Mr. Leather and would soon became his first official collared boy. We had allot of firsts together during those 3 memorable years but as you will find out from this blog, sometimes we get a calling so after 3 years we parted ways and went on very different paths. For almost 4 years we didn't speak or see each other. A year ago, I found myself back in the scene. So I made the decision to reach out to the only person who would understand. I anxiously e-mailed Tony and to my delight, He responded with open and excited arms. In December 2008 we made the move to reconnect and not surprisingly, it was like we had just seen each other the day before.
Many things had changed in those 4 years, most notably the fact that Tony had become a well known star of Gay Porn or "Art Films" as he likes to call it. As well as already having a collared boy Derek da Silva who was a star in his own right and had introduced Tony to the industry. I wasn't sure where I would fit in to this new dynamic but Tony and I both realized after our reconnection in december that our bond ran deep and had never been broken even though we went on very different journeys for several years. So on Feb 1st 2009 after an almost 4 year gap from the day he uncollared me, I anxiously asked for my collar back. He answered with " It's yours for the taking" So I was re-collared by the only man who has ever possessed me mind, body and soul.

A PARADOX

A paradox is a statement(s) or a situation that leads to an apparant contradiction that actually expresses a non-dual truth. the puzzling result is not really a contradiction, or the premises themselves are not all really true or cannot all be true together. The word paradox is often used interchangeably with contradiction. Often, mistakenly, it is used to describe situations that are ironic.

IN THE BEGINING

For most of my 20's I had a very conventional gay life and my experience and knowledge of the world of Leather/BDSM and Fetish was limited and uniformed to say the least.

On Sep. 11 2001 my limited and naive view of all aspects of life and humanity was quickly shattered into a million pieces as it was for so many others and I suddenly found myself questioning everything, everyone and grasping for answers to questions I didn't concern myself with when one lives in an uninformed and delusional bubble .

It is the one moment that I can say was not unique to me, but the whole world. What is unique is the cause and effect reaction this event had on humanity and this is where my story really begans. It would be the beginning of a most awesome journey.

There is a Kabbalistic saying "Are you walking the dog or is the dog walking you" I didn't even know there was a dog, "what the fuck, I don't see no dog".  But I would soon find out "who is the master and who is the slave" in what would be a series of beautiful examples of the paradox of life.

footnote: dog is a metaphor for the "ego"