Friday, April 17, 2009


About a year ago and after 3 years of exploring the non-physical, In which I had allot of time to reflect on many aspects of human nature including my own I was developing a deep desire for intimacy on a more sexual level. Little did I know how difficult this would be with my new consciousness. In the past before Tony I had been in a few long term relationships in the traditional sense, but realized that what attracted me to those particular relationships at the root was a desire to be taken care of and fill a void. Although I was in love with all my past lovers, it wasn't real love as I know it today. Real Love or True Love in the purest sense is unconditional. A few years ago my teacher asked me to make a list of what it is about my past partners, that made me love them. My answers went something like this: He makes me happy, He really understands me, he makes me feel good about myself, he makes me feel needed. She then looked at me with the utmost kindness and unconditional love and said; Chris look how many times "me" shows up in your answers. My answers focused on how my partner was fulfilling my needs, This is not Love she said, this is need! My concept of love revolved around how the other person was fulfilling my needs. I was experiencing a lack and my partners were there to fill that void. This type of love is not true love and is definitely not unconditional. What I thought was love was actually selfish need.
This concept is not easy to grasp and can take a lifetime to really experience true love in the purest sense but it has given me a sense of freedom and forced me to take responsibility for myself and not expect it from someone else.
So going back a year, as I am gearing up to get back to developing intimacy on a sexual level, I suddenly found this process a bit more challenging. Within the year I did date a few people and came to terms with the fact that they were drawn to me because they were spiritually deprived and as they say in spirituality, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" I was happy to introduce them to a way to reduce some of the chaos they were experiencing, at the same time I was not really feeling a connection to getting back into a traditional relationship pattern.


If someone tells me they have no ego, I know that they have been fooled, that is the ego talking. I also very rare for anyone to ever remove ego consciousness. The fact is the ego has many benefits once you understand it's nature. The idea is that we become the master and the ego the slave. I have to bite my tongue when people tell me they have been in therapy for years, I tried it and although it has it's benefits it is not the solution and allot of times just keeps the person dwelling and over analyzing their past. The idea is to be in the present. The ego consciousness keeps us enslaved in the past and future, that is how it survives, using the past as a source to feed our minds with negative mental dialogue that makes us fall into victim consciousness and depression and worry about the future to feed our minds with worrying about things that haven't happened yet creating anxiety.
With all this time spent in the past and future we have very little time to be in the moment, which is the goal of the ego. Because the only way we can connect to the "Light" is being completely present and in the moment. It's also the way to have a life without side effects to go with the sex without side effects.
A brief explanation of what I mean by "Light."
Kabbalah and Science both explain that the world is divided in 10 dimensions. The first nine dimensions called the 99% we cannot perceive and it is the bottom dimension, the 1% which is the world that we perceive, this is the world of the 5 senses. The Light is the source of all our happiness and emanates from this 99% reality. The 1% reality is the only dimension the Ego can function. The ego's job is to keep us disconnected from this 99% reality by constantly dwelling in the past and future, because the only way to connect to the 99% is in the present.

Thursday, April 2, 2009


During this four-year period, I made the decision to be celibate for 2 years. I feel it is necessary to elaborate on this decision. This was a personal choice and is by no means necessary for everyone. It is also not a requirement to study Kabbalah. As a matter of fact, sex is looked on in a very positive light and is considered a very powerful spiritual tool. I had felt this spiritual like feeling several times through intense play sessions with Tony. I was unable however to stop the endless mental babble and feelings of guilt and shame that came after sex, This mental babble was not exclusive to just my sex life, and it would be the source for a life's worth of unnecessary anxiety, pain and suffering.
No the decision to refrain from sex was born out of a realization that I was being controlled by my ego and it is the ego that was preventing me from being truly free. It was a temporary choice that enabled me to reboot and reprogram. I needed to shut down for a while. Extreme I know, but it served its purpose, I eventually would return to exploring my sexuality and over time experience what I like to call “ SEX WITHOUT SIDE EFFECTS. “
All our programming from birth, conscious and subconscious creates a mental filter that determines how we view and perceive things and situations. This filter is used by the EGO to keep us in a mental prison. Once you realize the EGO is not you, you begin to perceive all that negative social programming (guilt, shame, victim mentality, fitting in) as separate from our true essence, which is true freedom, and the EGO gone unchecked wins, keeping us enslaved in a mental prison. The worse part is most people don’t and never will realize this. The human “EGO” is the root of every unjust calamity personally and globally.
In what would become a familiar line from the movie “The Usual Suspects” “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing us he did not exist.”
The fact is the devil or Satan, contrary to what religion has unjustly led the masses to believe is not a red demon with horns and a tail. The word Satan pronounced SAH-TAAN in Hebrew as it first appears in the Old Testament. Properly translated means Adversary. Properly speaking. It is not a name; it's more of a job description. Satan is an adversarial force of consciousness that exists inside our heads not some demon living in hell. It is a force of consciousness dwelling within our own minds. That so called force expresses itself through the human EGO.