About a year ago and after 3 years of exploring the non-physical, In which I had allot of time to reflect on many aspects of human nature including my own I was developing a deep desire for intimacy on a more sexual level. Little did I know how difficult this would be with my new consciousness. In the past before Tony I had been in a few long term relationships in the traditional sense, but realized that what attracted me to those particular relationships at the root was a desire to be taken care of and fill a void. Although I was in love with all my past lovers, it wasn't real love as I know it today. Real Love or True Love in the purest sense is unconditional. A few years ago my teacher asked me to make a list of what it is about my past partners, that made me love them. My answers went something like this: He makes me happy, He really understands me, he makes me feel good about myself, he makes me feel needed. She then looked at me with the utmost kindness and unconditional love and said; Chris look how many times "me" shows up in your answers. My answers focused on how my partner was fulfilling my needs, This is not Love she said, this is need! My concept of love revolved around how the other person was fulfilling my needs. I was experiencing a lack and my partners were there to fill that void. This type of love is not true love and is definitely not unconditional. What I thought was love was actually selfish need.
This concept is not easy to grasp and can take a lifetime to really experience true love in the purest sense but it has given me a sense of freedom and forced me to take responsibility for myself and not expect it from someone else.
So going back a year, as I am gearing up to get back to developing intimacy on a sexual level, I suddenly found this process a bit more challenging. Within the year I did date a few people and came to terms with the fact that they were drawn to me because they were spiritually deprived and as they say in spirituality, "when the student is ready, the teacher will appear" I was happy to introduce them to a way to reduce some of the chaos they were experiencing, at the same time I was not really feeling a connection to getting back into a traditional relationship pattern.
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