After 3 years Tony and I had developed a profound connection but he was feeling my ever growing desire to explore Kabbalah on a more serious level. I had recently began talking with a kabbalah teacher and she decided I was ready to take my studies to the next level. This was creating a dilemma with Tony and he was feeling me pull away. I was still very much seeing the world as black and white. But I had a glimpse behind the iron curtain, It's like if someone handed you a manual on life and it contained all the answers and secrets to life's big mysteries, you would be obsessed with getting your hands on a copy right? Well it's also like giving a child a bag full of candy, you haven't developed the ability to restrict or to stop eating the candy, A child will keep eating the candy till he throws up. I was in the infancy stages of my journey and looking back very selfish. It would ultimately be my deepening desire to explore my spiritual nature that would weaken and ultimately sever my bond with Tony and the leather/bdsm community. At the time I still perceived it as dark and I had discovered the " Light".
So on a winter weekend in January 2005 Tony made his last visit to Vancouver. He would later express the overwhelming feeling of loss he felt on that long journey back to Seattle. He set me free to explore what It was I was searching for. The next 4 years I would explore the non physical with as much intensity and fervor as I did the 3 years I spent with Tony exploring the physical senses. It would be that intense exploration of a sexual nature and my desire to focus strictly on spiritual matter's that I would make the decision to be celibate for almost 2 years. I focused all that energy on study and would become a full time student of kabbalah. It would be the most life defining period of my life and would ultimately shape me into the person I am today. I would learn that this process would and should not be permanent, We are not meant to sit on a mountain top forever, It's easy to be spiritual up there. ultimately it is when we come down into the real world with all it's ups and downs and chaos we can really put what we learned to the test. I would eventually see that "grey" area. Allot of so called spiritual people talk the talk but very few walk the walk. I would eventually walk it and find myself being drawn back into the scene I had abandoned 4 years earlier, but this time with a new set of eyes and an expanded mind . It is through this point of view that I will focus the remainder of this blog.