Wednesday, May 27, 2009
ENVY AND JEALOUSY THE GREEN EYED MONSTER
"DO NOT EAT THE BREAD OF ONE WHO HAS AN EVIL EYE" (Zohar, Shemot, Verse 21)
After our family weekend in march Tony and I had our longest gap between seeing each other. His schedule during that following few weeks was insane and we were unable to synchronise our schedules for almost 4 weeks. My window tends to be 3 at the most, so I was feeling an unpleasant sense of disconnect and longing to see him by the end of it. During this gap, Tony was in San Francisco shooting and directing the second installment of the Titan/ Rough line amply called "Shock Treatment." Both Derek and the pup would be featured in the second film, so they each got to spend some time in San Francisco with Tony along with Tony's San Francisco boy Rico who I have yet to meet. As I mentioned in my previous post, Element and Derek had developed a fast bond and now with Timmy out of the picture and facing the notion that I wouldn't see Tony or any family members for that matter for nearly a month I found myself dealing with my first case of envy and jealousy. I knew these pesky emotions would surface eventually and was quite frankly strangely excited they had finally surfaced. These situations are the perfect opportunity to test oneself and see if all those years of spiritual practice and study really sunk in. Something that I discovered about myself after becoming self aware is that I have a tendency to always need the upper hand. It gives me a sense of control and I am a huge control freak. This combination of a 4 week gap along with loosing the family member I had bonded with and nurtured the most gave my ego a perfect window to bring my insecurities to the surface. I still hadn't experienced the quality bonding time with Derek that I would have liked and with the new pup Element entering the family and bonding with Tony and Derek during the gap, I found myself face to face with a plate full of spiritual opportunities. I must stress it is a blessing when a relationship provides us with these challenges. This is how we turn darkness into Light. Although it is important to honor these emotions with recognition, it's also very important to realize they are derived from our ego. Acting from this place only brings more chaos and negativity and the end result is more darkness. After recognizing these negative emotions we first must be cautious not to allow any self judgement, once this is achieved we can then use them as an opportunity to restrict the reactive impulse such emotions create. This act of restriction from a kabbalistic point of view is how we turn darkness in to Light. This is how I view all challenges in life and in my relationships and why I consider it a blessing.
This has nothing to do with being a good person, by restricting the impulse to act on our negative emotions we are in actuality recreating the creation process.
So when the opportunity to spend some time with Element on my long overdue visit with Tony after nearly a month of not seeing him came up, my ego jumped at the opportunity to cause chaos and demand I have him all to myself. The pup was in town the few days before to help Tony with a photo shoot for Leatherpost which ended up getting delayed to the day I was to arrive. I must point out that Tony would have accommodated my request because he was well aware and sensitive to the effects of such a long absence from each other. But thankfully I restricted my selfish desire and after a great evening of drinks and bonding at the watering hole I requested that the pup stay with us for the evening. The effect of restricting my selfish desire to have Tony all to myself provided a wonderful opportunity for me to catch up on strengthening my own bond with Element and initiate him into the family with an opportunity to assist Tony in toping me in a fisting scene in what has now become a family tradition. There are certain compensations to being a good boy, "When your good to Daddy, Daddy's good to you"