Monday, May 4, 2009
POLYAMORY- Redifining family
After my month off, I was feeling very refreshed and anxious to see Tony again. We organized a weekend together after I got back and I headed down to Seattle. In what would become an annual tradition, we headed to the local watering hole for cocktails and to celebrate Tony finalizing his deal with Titan to co-direct his own line of fetish/Bdsm films. During this time Tony had been courting a boy named Tim to be a possible candidate for his local Seattle boy and he was anxious for me to meet him. I had yet to meet my "brother" Derek from Chicago, that would come on my next trip but Tony was certain we would hit it off just fine. We had been corresponding via e-mail and skype and I was becoming very fond of his level of intelligence and his own understanding of spirituality. One of the elders from Tony's leather family the "Dragon Clan" Daddy Gene famously pointed out that Tony had a penchant for picking complex and complicated boys which after corresponding with Derek and given the nature and depth of some of our talks, we both took that as a compliment. So it was to my delight when I met Tim he was a young and uncomplicated eager to please 23 year old. Two complex boys was enough. He came to the watering hole to meet us that evening and I instantly adored him. Tony had grown quite fond of him as well and the possibilities of teaching him the anatomy and proper execution of many leather/Bdsm scenes to pass on to a younger generation. He was very fond of shabari bondage which is one of Tony's passions. So after a great night of spirits and teasing Tony offered him a collar of consideration which is a month long trial period for him to be Tony boy after which it would be decided if this was a path he wanted to take. If it worked out he would be invited into the family on a permanent basis.
It was on this evening when we got back to the apartment that I asked for my collar back. To my surprise Tony pointed up on the wall to my old collar and said "boy it's yours for the asking" and there it was, the same collar he took off my neck 4 years ago was locked around my neck once again. It was official, I was back in the family.
Over the coming month I had developed a very fond "big brother" relationship with Tim and it seemed to be working out well for everyone. He reminded me so much of me in some ways so many years ago when Tony introduced me to the scene. Unfortunately, much to the dismay and disappointment of Tony the outcome would be the same as well. Although Tim learned allot he, like myself way back when saw the world as very black and white and could not grasp fusing the Poly/Bdsm scene with other aspects in his life. I wish I could have given him a magic mirror to show him that it was possible and I was proof of that, but as sad as Tony was of his decision he knew, like he did with me so many years ago that he must let him go, choose his own path and figure it out on his own as he did with me. It was a period that allowed me to see the pain Tony felt when he had to let me go off on my own journey and I witnessed his ability to still see the big picture through his pain while still wishing him well with no resentment. It was another example of his guru like ability of unconditional love and it made me love him even more if that is possible.
I must admit I knew very little about Polyamory, allot of gay men have open relationships some of them honest some of them not, and usually it's a don't ask don't tell policy but it always seems to end in someone getting hurt due to dishonesty. As I mentioned before I am a naturally monogamous person, but that has evolved into more of an emotional state rather than physical. I have come to the conclusion that the consciousness for most people in a monogamous relationship usually comes from a unevolved place and pressure from mainstream society and most end up cheating. So when Tony enlightened me on the true nature of a loving Polyamorous relationship, I did some research and started to see the "Light" and potential to reveal "Light" in this type of family dynamic.
Polyamory is a personal outlook grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, equality of free will, What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger.
I began to see the beauty and highly evolved spiritual nature of such a situation and it has allowed me to face such unevolved issue's like jealousy and much to my surprise, the nature of my new family situation has been one of the most loving and honest relationships I have ever been in. My "brother" Derek has a partner in Chicago and they just celebrated thier 13th anniversary, I however have chosen to not play outside the family and only with Tony. That is what works for me.
sidenote: the flag in this post is the flag of Polyamory; the blue represents the openness and honesty among all partners; the yellow represents love and passion; the red represents solidarity with those who must hide their relationships due to social pressures. The symbol in the center of the flag is a gold Greek lowercase letter “pi” (π), as the first letter of "polyamory" . The letter's gold color represents the value that people who are polyamorous place on the emotional attachment to others, be the relationship friendly or romantic in nature, as opposed to merely primarily physical relationships.