Sunday, May 31, 2009


sidebar: I'll be breaking the IML weekend in Chicago into several posts. Far to much information and observations to post in one entry.

I was not scheduled to go to IML (International Mr. Leather) this year but the week before our last family weekend I received an e-mail from Tony out of the blue asking if I could arrange the time off. He said he was looking into the logistics of bringing me along for a few reasons, but mainly he felt my presence would keep him grounded during a weekend jammed with promotional events for Titan, teaching at ShibariCon, The Grabby's, and various appearances at numerous play parties.
I automatically cleared my schedule just in case although nothing had been confirmed. To be honest I had secretly been wishing I would get to go because Titan was planning on using IML as a launch pad for the new Rough Line and I really wanted to be there for it. Over Family weekend I still hadn't received any news so I was beginning to think it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't until Derek's last night in Seattle before flying back to Chicago over drinks at the watering hole that Tony finally confirmed that I was going. Even more exciting was the news that Derek was going to surprise the pup and bring him along as well. IML was officially going to be our first family vacation. In a Queer/Poly/BDsm family this is equivalent to going to Disneyland.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009


As I was mentioned in my post FAMILY WEEKEND Part 1, I was looking forward to a much less hectic weekend than the last family gathering. Derek was flying in from Chicago and the pup Element was supposed to join us from Portland but had to cancel at the last minute. Although I was slightly disappointed at the loss of an opportunity for our new family to be together at the same time which isn't an easy task when every one lives in a different city, it did however provide an opportunity for me to finally get in some much overdue bonding time with Derek. The first task upon my arrival was a photo shoot with me playing photographer. Tony and Derek were preparing for their upcoming classes they would be teaching at this years ShibariCon over IML weekend in Chicago. The classes titled "One Rope, Two Knots and Three Ties" and "Partial Suspension Rigging for Play" needed some updated photo's for the full color slides and handouts they would be providing the attendees and I was honored to have the opportunity to contribute in any way. After an afternoon of taking photo's of Tony tying up Derek and seeing how excited he had become, I have never seen someone get so rock hard and drip so much pre-cum from being tied up. It really is a beautiful site to behold and after watching me salivate from both corners of my mouth, in typical Tony fashion and as a reward to his boys for a job well done, he gave me my cue to take care of my brother and with Derek still bound and raging with excitement, Tony threw a hood over his head and watched me pig out and hoover his cock to completion. A great starter to kick off the evening!
Later, we met up with Tony's girlfriend "Kitten" who I adore and has become part of our family. She is a stunningly sexy and beautiful 23 year old fashionista who also happens to be the kinkiest and most feral creature I have ever met of the feminine persuasion. She has managed to captivate Tony and it's quite endearing to watch, she also likes to bite.
Tony, Derek and myself met kitten for a nice dinner and later headed down to our favorite place to relax and be merry, the local watering hole. Derek and I continued our evening of bonding and as anticipated we dove into heavy conversation regarding spirituality, philosophy and dealing with the difficulties and adjustments of such a large Poly family that seemed to be growing exponentially by the minute.
Up until that weekend, I had always viewed Derek as the tough Alpha boy in the family, and he like myself and Tony for that matter do not suffer fools gladly. Although I was Tony's first collared boy and he was aware of our deep connection, I did however leave, and with a succession of boys after who turned out to be far from stellar and the cause of much pain and suffering for Tony, it was to be expected that it would take some time for him to trust me. I was fine with this, as a matter of fact I admired it. That evening we were bonding but there was also something more primal going on. We were testing each other, stripping away the layers and walls to see what was underneath. Something shifted with us after that evening and I saw Derek in a much different light. I saw someone who struggles with adjusting to sharing Tony and the pressure as the eldest boy to assist and help Tony care and set a good example for the younger members of the family. Ironically even though Derek and I are very different, I am actually very alpha in my own way. My alpha energy is much more feminine, not literally but metaphysically speaking. I am a natural caregiver and when I sense an imbalance in the harmony of the family my alpha kicks in and I take control of the situation and tend to every one's needs until balance has been restored. I think Derek found great relief in this and that I am there for him as well if he needs me as much as Tony needs me as his grounding force. As Derek expressed on his blog after that visit. " I may be Tony's alpha boy, but the alpha here doesn't mean that I'm his most important boy so much as I'm the one that must set the example for my younger brothers and must help Tony in caring for what has turned out to be a rather large family. Luckily, Chris has taken upon himself to help care for me as well - that is a nice thing and really appreciated. While I'm able to handle all this, it still can be a bit much for me, and it's good to know that I have someone beside Tony looking after my emotional state and helping me keep my balance as we all charge forward into what it rapidly turning into a very radical experiment in what family can be." True that Brother, True That!



After our family weekend in march Tony and I had our longest gap between seeing each other. His schedule during that following few weeks was insane and we were unable to synchronise our schedules for almost 4 weeks. My window tends to be 3 at the most, so I was feeling an unpleasant sense of disconnect and longing to see him by the end of it. During this gap, Tony was in San Francisco shooting and directing the second installment of the Titan/ Rough line amply called "Shock Treatment." Both Derek and the pup would be featured in the second film, so they each got to spend some time in San Francisco with Tony along with Tony's San Francisco boy Rico who I have yet to meet. As I mentioned in my previous post, Element and Derek had developed a fast bond and now with Timmy out of the picture and facing the notion that I wouldn't see Tony or any family members for that matter for nearly a month I found myself dealing with my first case of envy and jealousy. I knew these pesky emotions would surface eventually and was quite frankly strangely excited they had finally surfaced. These situations are the perfect opportunity to test oneself and see if all those years of spiritual practice and study really sunk in. Something that I discovered about myself after becoming self aware is that I have a tendency to always need the upper hand. It gives me a sense of control and I am a huge control freak. This combination of a 4 week gap along with loosing the family member I had bonded with and nurtured the most gave my ego a perfect window to bring my insecurities to the surface. I still hadn't experienced the quality bonding time with Derek that I would have liked and with the new pup Element entering the family and bonding with Tony and Derek during the gap, I found myself face to face with a plate full of spiritual opportunities. I must stress it is a blessing when a relationship provides us with these challenges. This is how we turn darkness into Light. Although it is important to honor these emotions with recognition, it's also very important to realize they are derived from our ego. Acting from this place only brings more chaos and negativity and the end result is more darkness. After recognizing these negative emotions we first must be cautious not to allow any self judgement, once this is achieved we can then use them as an opportunity to restrict the reactive impulse such emotions create. This act of restriction from a kabbalistic point of view is how we turn darkness in to Light. This is how I view all challenges in life and in my relationships and why I consider it a blessing.
This has nothing to do with being a good person, by restricting the impulse to act on our negative emotions we are in actuality recreating the creation process.
So when the opportunity to spend some time with Element on my long overdue visit with Tony after nearly a month of not seeing him came up, my ego jumped at the opportunity to cause chaos and demand I have him all to myself. The pup was in town the few days before to help Tony with a photo shoot for Leatherpost which ended up getting delayed to the day I was to arrive. I must point out that Tony would have accommodated my request because he was well aware and sensitive to the effects of such a long absence from each other. But thankfully I restricted my selfish desire and after a great evening of drinks and bonding at the watering hole I requested that the pup stay with us for the evening. The effect of restricting my selfish desire to have Tony all to myself provided a wonderful opportunity for me to catch up on strengthening my own bond with Element and initiate him into the family with an opportunity to assist Tony in toping me in a fisting scene in what has now become a family tradition. There are certain compensations to being a good boy, "When your good to Daddy, Daddy's good to you"

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


This past weekend I headed down to Seattle for what I was hoping would be a less chaotic family weekend than the last one in March during the Washington State Mr/Ms contest which Tony was producing. I had been very anxious that weekend because it would be the first time I would be meeting Derek in person. It was also the first time all the boys would be together at the same time and I wasn't even sure how Tony would cope with three boys Derek, myself and Tim (who was still under his consideration phase) and a jam packed schedule of events. If that wasn't enough Tony had extended an invitation to Element a young pup he had met a few weeks earlier on a trip to Portland who Tony invited up to Seattle earlier in the week to test him out and make sure he was up for the challenge of being in Tony's next feature in the fetish line.
The weekend was busy to say the least and having arrived in town last as usual, The dynamics of bonding had already started to take hold. Derek and Element had an instant connection and discovering they were kindred spirits. This left me feeling inclined to focus on Tim who I was sensing was feeling a struggle to bond with the other boys and since I had developed a big brother relationship with him, I felt myself using the time I wanted to focus on getting to know Derek and directing it to the Boy. Considering it was the first time all the boys were under the same roof it wasn't a total disaster but I wouldn't go as far to say it was a success either. But like any family or relationships you have challenges, In a Poly Family it's the same just more so. My natural inclination and ability to sense who's needs aren't being met and act on it left me focusing allot of my time on Tim so I really didn't get the bonding time I was hoping for with Derek. Luckily for me Tony and I had some great one on one time the weekend before when he came up to Vancouver for a special event I planned for him performing a demo and guest appearance at the local Leather Bar in town so I wasn't feeling terribly needy myself for his attention having had him all to myself the previous weekend.
During that weekend I had sensed that Tim was feeling a little put off and perhaps disappointed that the bond Element and Derek had developed so quickly didn't turn out quite the same for him, but this is why there is a consideration collar and a time frame to process and figure all this out before making a full commitment. As for Derek and myself, well we didn't quite get the time in that we wanted, but we did at least get a sense that the possibility was there for a great connection and being the two older more experienced boys, we had developed the virtue of patience and knew that our time would come eventually.
Tim would ultimately decide the lifestyle was not what he was looking for and although Tony and I found it hard to see him go, a beautiful shining star of a soul was making an impression on Derek and Tony and eventually me.
When Tony initially invited Element to Seattle it was for casting reasons but he soon realized and saw something special. Although only 22 he had a rare combination of playful youthfulness mixed with a depth and sense of self not yet developed in boys of that age. He was a playful and curious pup in every sense of the word. Tony soon realized after having him in Seattle for a few days that he was yearning for a sense of family and saw the opportunity to share that with him by inviting him to extend his stay and be with all of us during our family weekend. It would be a weekend that would change his life and give him a sense of security and unconditional love he so longed for. As I stood at the train station with Tony and Derek wiping the tears from his eyes as we sent him off, I knew he had experienced something profound and felt a sense of brotherhood and family he would later express the only time he came close to experiencing was when he was in the military briefly. We lost a boy but gained a pup and he has contributed a sense of humor and whit that brings smiles and much laughter to all of us not to mention a curiosity and willingness for all things kink much to the delight of Tony, Derek and myself.

Monday, May 4, 2009


"Angels come in strange packages, sometimes they look like the devil but ultimately they end up pushing you in the direction you need to grow" Madonna

During that second weekend in Seattle over drinks at the watering hole, Tony and I had an opportunity to discuss his decision behind getting into porn or "Art Films" as he likes to call them. It was during this talk that he enlightened me on another example of " nothing is ever what it seems". I must admit I didn't see much "Light" in the porn industry, but I also had no judgement for any path one chooses to take, one of the benefits of 4 years of spiritual study. I knew how passionate he had become with his teaching and work in the community and about spreading the message of R.A.C.K (risk aware consensual kink) and it was a deep concern for him that the industry was spreading the wrong message with the rise of barebacking in adult films specifically in the kink genre.
He enlightened me that through his growing popularity as a fetish performer it gave him a larger forum to spread his message and along with my brother Derek who was also in the industry they were fighting a battle and they were beginning to make progress.
It was then that I realized the positive effect of his vision and with this new opportunity to helm his own line for Titan, this would take his message to a new level. During that weekend we had an intense play session and after words as we were lying in bed he said I had to do the first film with him.The only way he could capture what he had planned for the first film was if he did it with me. Tony's vision for this line was very clear, he wanted to create a genre of films with real players, not actors. He wanted to capture the intensity and real connection that is lacking in much of the genre, and he wanted to incorporate the R.A.C.K. (risk aware consensual kink) philosophy into the films with a strong emphasis on safe sex without being to preachy.
He left me with the proposal to ponder till our next visit. I wish i could say I jumped at the opportunity but this was a big decision and I needed to ponder the spiritual consequences of such a move. I had long let go of what people would think or any judgments people would have from a shallow point of view. My only concerns were spiritual in nature. After some pondering I decided that the consciousness behind Tony's vision was directed at creating a positive and healthy change in what some perceive as a dark industry. Kabbalah teaches that it is out of darkness that we have the opportunity to reveal Light. I realized the opportunity and when I made the decision to be back in his life, I was in 100%. I decided that I had to do it, plus I'm always looking for an opportunity to get out of my comfort zone and this certainly would do it. Tony reassured me that Titan who he has been performing for exclusively were Top notch and one of the few studio's who's films are 100% safe sex and they are very active in raising awareness within the community as well as giving back.
So off I went to San Fran for my first shoot and it went amazingly. Titan is an amazing studio and good people and if I must say so myself what we captured was an incredible never before seen on film fetish scene, and the connection and intensity that Tony and I share really comes off in the film. It is another example of the paradox of life. It's a fine example that you can't make judgements about people and the choices people make because ultimately you never know where someone is going to end up. It's a fine example that out of darkness comes Light.
If extreme fetish is your thing and you want to puchase a copy I will post details as soon as I receive them. A WARNING: This film is not for the faint of heart!

POLYAMORY- Redifining family

After my month off, I was feeling very refreshed and anxious to see Tony again. We organized a weekend together after I got back and I headed down to Seattle. In what would become an annual tradition, we headed to the local watering hole for cocktails and to celebrate Tony finalizing his deal with Titan to co-direct his own line of fetish/Bdsm films. During this time Tony had been courting a boy named Tim to be a possible candidate for his local Seattle boy and he was anxious for me to meet him. I had yet to meet my "brother" Derek from Chicago, that would come on my next trip but Tony was certain we would hit it off just fine. We had been corresponding via e-mail and skype and I was becoming very fond of his level of intelligence and his own understanding of spirituality. One of the elders from Tony's leather family the "Dragon Clan" Daddy Gene famously pointed out that Tony had a penchant for picking complex and complicated boys which after corresponding with Derek and given the nature and depth of some of our talks, we both took that as a compliment. So it was to my delight when I met Tim he was a young and uncomplicated eager to please 23 year old. Two complex boys was enough. He came to the watering hole to meet us that evening and I instantly adored him. Tony had grown quite fond of him as well and the possibilities of teaching him the anatomy and proper execution of many leather/Bdsm scenes to pass on to a younger generation. He was very fond of shabari bondage which is one of Tony's passions. So after a great night of spirits and teasing Tony offered him a collar of consideration which is a month long trial period for him to be Tony boy after which it would be decided if this was a path he wanted to take. If it worked out he would be invited into the family on a permanent basis.
It was on this evening when we got back to the apartment that I asked for my collar back. To my surprise Tony pointed up on the wall to my old collar and said "boy it's yours for the asking" and there it was, the same collar he took off my neck 4 years ago was locked around my neck once again. It was official, I was back in the family.
Over the coming month I had developed a very fond "big brother" relationship with Tim and it seemed to be working out well for everyone. He reminded me so much of me in some ways so many years ago when Tony introduced me to the scene. Unfortunately, much to the dismay and disappointment of Tony the outcome would be the same as well. Although Tim learned allot he, like myself way back when saw the world as very black and white and could not grasp fusing the Poly/Bdsm scene with other aspects in his life. I wish I could have given him a magic mirror to show him that it was possible and I was proof of that, but as sad as Tony was of his decision he knew, like he did with me so many years ago that he must let him go, choose his own path and figure it out on his own as he did with me. It was a period that allowed me to see the pain Tony felt when he had to let me go off on my own journey and I witnessed his ability to still see the big picture through his pain while still wishing him well with no resentment. It was another example of his guru like ability of unconditional love and it made me love him even more if that is possible.
I must admit I knew very little about Polyamory, allot of gay men have open relationships some of them honest some of them not, and usually it's a don't ask don't tell policy but it always seems to end in someone getting hurt due to dishonesty. As I mentioned before I am a naturally monogamous person, but that has evolved into more of an emotional state rather than physical. I have come to the conclusion that the consciousness for most people in a monogamous relationship usually comes from a unevolved place and pressure from mainstream society and most end up cheating. So when Tony enlightened me on the true nature of a loving Polyamorous relationship, I did some research and started to see the "Light" and potential to reveal "Light" in this type of family dynamic.
Polyamory is a personal outlook grounded in such concepts as choice, trust, equality of free will, What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger.
I began to see the beauty and highly evolved spiritual nature of such a situation and it has allowed me to face such unevolved issue's like jealousy and much to my surprise, the nature of my new family situation has been one of the most loving and honest relationships I have ever been in. My "brother" Derek has a partner in Chicago and they just celebrated thier 13th anniversary, I however have chosen to not play outside the family and only with Tony. That is what works for me.
sidenote: the flag in this post is the flag of Polyamory; the blue represents the openness and honesty among all partners; the yellow represents love and passion; the red represents solidarity with those who must hide their relationships due to social pressures. The symbol in the center of the flag is a gold Greek lowercase letter “pi” (π), as the first letter of "polyamory" . The letter's gold color represents the value that people who are polyamorous place on the emotional attachment to others, be the relationship friendly or romantic in nature, as opposed to merely primarily physical relationships.

"SHIN ALEPH HEY" the reuniting of soulmates

So on December 24th in a raging snow storm, I set off on my first trip to Seattle in 4 years. My arrival time was delayed due to the storm but eventually the shuttle arrived and I called a cab to take me to Tony's apartment. As the cab pulled up, to my delight Tony was waiting for me outside in the cold. As I exited the cab, all I could think about was having those big arms wrapped around my body. No awkward moments of silence, just a feeling of peace, it was if 4 years was just a day and there in that moment, I fully grasped the meaning of true unconditional love. What had taken me years to grasp, Tony had embodied all along. It's as if he new that this day would eventually come sooner or later. As the saying goes, home is were the heart is, and I was home at last.
That evening we went for drinks and lots of catching up at a neighborhood bar fondly nicknamed " the watering hole."
It was a surreal few days but one thing was clear, our deep connection was still very strong and although Tony's life had changed drastically, he made it clear that he wanted me back in his life. I would have lots of time to process this proposal, Of course there was no doubt that I wanted to be back in his life, but there were many things to consider.
I however had planned long before our reconnection to take a month off and travel, visit family. This gave me ample time to consider Tony's invitation to enter his world. What a ride this was going to be and in typical Tony fashion, there would never be a dull moment.
I decided before I even left for my month long trip I wanted to be back in his life. A life that now consisted of a collared boy in Chicago named Derek who introduced Tony to his now infamous career as a performer in "art film." The fact that he fully embraced a Polyamoros lifestyle and a crazy travel schedule of filming, teaching, and educating the Poly/Leather/BDsm community as well as his commitments and work at home in Seattle. To top it off, during our reconnection Tony was on the verge of a deal to be the first performer for Titan to be given his own line of films to co/direct which I am happy to report has happened and I would surprisingly be involved in. I would like to point out that before my reconnection with Tony I asked the universe, "Universe give me some excitement" well ask and you shall receive. I know Bette Davis said it in "All about Eve" but it's a line fit to come out of Tony's mouth. "FASTEN YOUR SEAT BELTS, IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY RIDE!"


I have no real answer as to why I suddenly found myself being drawn back to the Leather, BDSM scene except for one, I was beginning my journey home. I had never been one to subscribe or feel a deep desire to Cleve to a group or scene, although I have always found it quite easy to feel the positive energy and sense of family that these groups and scenes create. Perhaps it was the 4 years and deep connection I developed with my spiritual family at the kabbalah centre that made me realize that being a part of a group or community as long as it's with the right consciousness isn't a bad thing. in actuality it was more about my fear of commitment. I have no issue's now committing myself 100% to something as long as it's having a positive affect on those involved.
So it soon became clear that besides the fact I was fully embracing my kinks, I was making my way back to Tony.
I had been thinking about him allot, I underestimated the deep connection we shared and it was overshadowed by my inability at the time to see the scene that tony embraced and introduced me to 7 years ago any deeper than face value.
But I was seeing things from a completely different and more evolved place, and one of the many lessons I have learned over the past few years is "nothing is ever as it seems" and my ability to now see the "grey" area had suddenly made me appreciate and eventually long for a level of intimacy and deep connection I had experienced with Tony.
During that last year I had backed out of hooking up with a few so called player's due to my gut instinct and a keen 6th sense which has never failed me. I did however meet an amazing couple (a daddy and his boy) one evening that I instantly connected with and eventually they would have the honor of breaking me in. Boy were they in for a surprise! The nasty pig boy had risen from the ashes after 4 long years I had allot of new tricks I had been dying to try out. It was a very long evening of play and something tells me they never met an ass quite like mine.
It was in the morning over coffee, when they brought up the subject of Tony, our matching tattoo's, his website, his films etc. That I began to realize that I was suddenly and unexpectedly taking a walk down memory lane and after that night, I really began to miss him greatly. I was now thinking about him on a daily basis and wanted to reach out to him so bad, but I had it in my mind I was a distant memory. It was when I decided that I had to write him with no expectations of a response. Just to tell him what I should have told him long ago. So I did and when I came home the next day from work, there it was, a response. My reaction caught me off guard, my heart was beating a mile a minute, haven't had that reaction well since The night I met Tony. After 2 cigarettes, I finally got the courage to open the e-mail. I began reading " Oh my dear boy, my love, my soul mate!.... " I will not publish the rest, some things are sacred and for fear of exposing Tony as a renaissance poet, but it was a beautiful e-mail and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit emotional reading his words. It would be the beginning of a beautiful reconnection. shortly after we were making plans to spend Christmas together and see each other face to face for the first time in 4 years.